dream or nightmare

I had a dream last night/this morning where I was in the True Directions program, the homosexual rehab thing from 'But I'm a Cheerleader'... It was somewhat amusing but also quite scary.. I always find the idea of putting together a whole group of gay people to "cure" them of their gay-ness quite silly.. I mean, seriously, isn't it just a great big opportunity to find each other? Then I dreamed about fighting off a vampire who was awfully close to sucking the blood from my neck, and while I was holding him off, I tried to reason with him, and I asked him why he wanted to do what he wanted to do, and he said something I don't remember, probably "because I'm a vampire" and then I remember thinking, "of course, that makes heaps of sense" and then I got too tired of fighting him off so I just let him suck my blood instead... and then suddenly I was stuck in a car and my phone kept ringing and I didn't want to answer it anymore, and then I was out of the car but in this sort of labyrinth-type castle thing where everything was sandy-coloured and I was running around looking for someone but I couldn't find them....

I'm really tired. And my ego is a little hurt. But aside from that I'm ok... It feels a little like I am on a roller-coaster. These last two days have been fun, the theatre stuff, I've actually enjoyed quite a lot and I love the people, and I've realised once again that in spite of the stress and nerves, I really do like to work and get stuff done. Ok so the work itself isn't exactly stimulating but well... I dunno, at least I'm doing something and meeting people..

But I also feel really emotionally drained.. I keep finding myself in the same situation and I feel so stuck, and sometimes I have to wonder if I really just prefer it like this, or if I've grown so used to it that I just keep repeating the process because at least here I'm familiar with the surroundings...

So confused.. :S

So much I want to do but can't and lack the courage/conviction to.... I'm all for believing but....

Sydney friends arriving tomorrow. It's gonna be a big week. I just hope I don't burn out before then..

Ok, gotta run

ciao xx

how to save water

Our hot water system is broked :( Like, totally, and absolutely broked and cannot be fixed and needs to be replaced by another $1200 newer un-broked hot water system... I'm am so sad.

It's been an exhilarating three days of cold showers... thankfully it's been quite warm this week...

Good news: my showers are now super short and super water saving!

Other good news that is unrelated to cold showers: Le Petit Prince was actually a whole lot of fun last night. I didn't get to see the play (again) but I did meet a most intriguing Mr Czech and got a bottle of Le Petit Prince wine and a bar of chocolate and even a 30th anniversary pin!! I feel special :) I'm hoping the rest of the week goes just as smoothly, but am still dreading all the phonecalls and complaints and mistakes....

k gotta run, wish me some hot water this way (or $1200) xx

no promises, no demands

I have run out of words... or something.. So much has happened in the last two weeks that I don't know where I should start or even what I should say.. I feel so exhausted. Emotionally, of course. Since physically, I have hardly done anything at all... That's not entirely true either, I went on a lovely long walk from Brighton to Sandringham (I think?) on Sunday afternoon and this time no soreness and no limp!

Tonight Le Petit Prince begins and fingers crossed it won't be too much drama (ha ha -> me trying to be funny, see?).. My phone has been ringing non-stop for the past two days and it's driving me a little insane. Yes! I am an all powerful amazon warrior, now shut up!!

Things I have neglected to mention:

- The queen of hearts birthday party at Dracula's was a heap of fun. I learnt that it is very hard to eat in the dark.. and I lost my spider which I had been holding onto all night :(

- Post-fundraiser catch up with Miss blu and her big sis was a lovely lovely night which made me realise that just because I don't talk about something any more it doesn't mean it isn't on my mind, nor does it mean that it doesn't matter any more..

- Dinner at D.O.C's was yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy and fun :D Will definitely have to go back for a few of the other pizzas..

- Friday night blues with pizza and red wine and not enough sleep resulted in lots of tears, lots of laughs, lots of thoughtful silences, and a very quiet Saturday...

- Saturday election, yay! Howard is GONE! I celebrated by falling asleep in Miss blu's bed while she was passed out on the couch :P

- Sunday night revelation: new philosophy - no promises, no demands, just smiles :)


and maybe a couple of apples...

xx

tired

A Time to be Happy!

My very first cassette tape/album was 'A Time to be Happy'. A Christian-themed children's tape full of songs about happiness and love and being good and sharing etc etc. My dad bought it for me from a man outside BiLo (when it was still called that) in Footscray. I even remember that it cost $5. I played it over and over and knew all the words. The first/title song of the tape went like this:

"The time to be happy is now.
The place to be happy is here.
And the way to be happy is to make someone happy and we'll have a little heaven right here!"

With that sort of brainwashing, no wonder I was such a good kid :P By the way, if you are reminded of Rod and Todd from the Simpsons, you're not the only one. We played the tape last night and it had my sister rolling on the floor laughing her head off...

It's been a bit intense these last few weeks.. so here's an update:

The fundraising dinner on Friday night was a great success. I don't know how much Miss blu has raised yet because she's buggered off to Sydney for a rest up, but I believe everyone had a good time and it was a thoroughly enjoyable evening in spite of the few hiccups we had.

Lowlights included: The excruciating heat and stuffiness because the air-con had died (with such great timing), things running a bit later than scheduled, the auctions not going off for as much as hoped, and the not-so-nice grey-haired teacher dude behind the bar who patronised and tried to dismiss me when I asked him for my change.

Highlights included: Seeing everyone dressed up! The food, the date auctions, especially Miss blu going off for a whopping $500! Lots of laughs, seeing some friends I hadn't seen in ages, meeting a little Mr wiggles-fan who danced and sang to me, escaping the heat and talking to Miss red on the balcony, aaaaand well, everything else was quite good.

Other news:

After many tears and many sleepless nights (probably more to follow), I have finally accepted the fact that I will be back at uni next semester. Very disappointed but oh well, accepted. Now just a matter of telling the folks...

It's getting way too hot here.

I will possibly be going to Queensland for New Year's with the popstar. Depends on price and availability of flights and accommodation of course, but mostly it depends on whether or not we will be going via Sydney...

Le Petit Prince is drawing nearer. Scary.

I got a brief introductory lesson in WoW today.

Two more shifts at the Red Cross!

and other stuff I don't particularly want to talk about here...

hope you're all doing well

xx

embracing my inner fob/dag

I had to drive to uni today (listening and singing along to very fobby very 90s Hong Kong pop) to hand in my late and very late essays. Then I drove home (again listening and singing along to very fobby very 90s Hong Kong pop) and tried to work some more on my other very late essays. I managed to download and print two more articles to enlightened me a little more about the politics of cultural tourism in Thailand. I received and read an email that made me :D Then I tried to respond to the email and only got half way through it before I had to go to work. Then I drove to work (singing even more loudly along to above mentioned pop). Work was boring but I got six appointments in the one hour that I was doing appointment calls and then I did some 68 confirmation calls. That means I called a total of 95 people tonight. *parroted out* and it's only Monday... *sigh*

Drove home singing happily about sad things.

Came home to a somewhat... blah reception.. why are people so inconsistent? why are people so hard to read?? why does this have to be so confusing???

grumble grumble grumble

Peachy

Missy likes rock climbing AND she's not afraid of heights!!

*sigh*

OMG!!!!

The big sis is cleaning out the study while I *try* to do my essays, and she has just uncovered a whole bag full of our old cassette tapes!

The most exciting part: ROXETTE!!! *falls over from 90s dagginess overload*

I will be playing Roxette on my tiny crappy cd/radio/tape player for the next few weeks. *giggles hysterically and sigh* I miss cassette tapes...

Please forgive me if I happen to break into daggy 80s/90s lovesongs in your presence in the near future. I've been complaining about my lack of new music so much lately that I almost forgot the joy of rediscovering old music...

Other newses:

I am loving this particular essay that I am writing at the moment, but wondering also if there is any point in putting so much effort into something that may not even be marked because of its incredible lateness.. It is also diverting my attention away from the other three essays I should be doing...

Soooo disappointed in myself...

I helped Miss blu make bonbons last night. T'was fun :)

Am feeling neglected by people I have no right to feel neglected by...

Am feeling incredibly needy. Need to find something else to occupy mind aside from neediness. Essays aren't helping...

Talked to Ms Leesle today and was highly entertained/amused as usual :D Now have another invitation to join the world of WoW...

I shall leave you with a quote:

“To walk is to lack a place. It is the indefinite process of being absent and in search of a proper. The moving about that the city multiplies and concentrates makes the city itself an immense social experience of lacking a place – an experience that is, to be sure, broken up into countless tiny deportations (displacements and walks), compensated for by the relationships and intersections of these exoduses that intertwine and create an urban fabric but is only a name, the City.”

-De Certeau, ‘Walking the City’, 103

kbai

ps.

The latest intriguing character to enter my world of words:
Ms Sachie
in her own words:
"she's a goddess on a big tiger who slays demons and blesses big silver swords"

"If you can't make your mind up, we'll never get started..."

In about a month's time I'm probably going to regret what I've done, or rather, what I haven't done, this whole semester. What a waste of time and money and opportunity. Again. I think there's something wrong with me. At the very last moment, so close and so very possible is a happy ending that I just have to f*ck it all up. Sorry. I'm feeling a bit shite and a bit sorry for myself. Afterall, what's really important? I have a loving family, I have loving friends, I am living in a financially secure and stable home, and I'm healthy...

This has probably been my worse semester yet. Including those horrible three years in architecture. Because at least then I sort of had an excuse. Not only was I an emotional mess but I hated what I was doing. Surely that explained my lack of motivation. But why now? Why again?? I don't get it. I love my course. I love uni. I love learning and I love reading and I love writing essays. Why does everything then feel so.... blah. Why is nothing sinking in... I don't understand it. When I read the stuff I'm suppose to read for my course, nothing stays. I don't get it. This is scary. This is scary for me because reading and understanding, at least enough to write an essay has always been my thing. Cutting and pasting and forming an argument.. It's like, there's a blockage in my brain and nothing new is able to enter... I can barely read a novel.. I've started about five or six and haven't finished any.. I just get.. distracted.

Some irony: I got more work done last night than I have in the past four weeks. And I was on msn chatting (yes, I know, bad, bad Luce!). BUT I haven't had a proper chat with Ms Red for soooooooooo long and the queen of hearts and I were keeping each other motivated/awake... sort of. Semantics is evil. After I finished my essay (yes, I actually finished, I could barely believe it myself - it wasn't any good and it was a few hundred words short of what it should've been but it was finished!), I wanted to throw away everything Semantics related. I resisted the urge.

Anyway, Monday is judgement day. If I don't get everything done by Monday then whatever's not done will not get done. So this weekend I'm being a good girl and staying home in front of the computer and hoping that some productivity will arise. Also keeping my fingers crossed that late essays will actually get marked, even if it is just on a pass-fail basis. What a horror it will be if I have to return next semester... not that I have other plans...

Aside from uni, I've been ok. Really excited about Miss blu's dinner. Of course. And then my Sydney friends coming down for a visit. And Le Petit Prince. Which actually, might be kinda crazy busy and I'll be spending more time there than I had hoped I would... damn.. oh but at least I will be in the company of people with super cute French accents.. :D

Oh! And I have finally quit the Red Cross. Great people, boring work. I got tired of talking like a robot. I got tired of being so familiar with the script that I was saying it in my sleep - yes, I have been questioning my dream people about their health and sexuality. Not cool. Anyway, I'll miss my colleagues. What a great, fun, easygoing bunch. Funny times. So in December I'm going to take a break, until I get tired and bored of being broke, and then I might look for something equally boring but possibly with more hours and more pay... Unless of course, the queen of hearts actually succeeds in her quest to make me a slave to WoW... then I might find myself even less willing to work, despite impending broke-ness and the lack of direction or career plans in the future....

Oh wait, actually, there ARE possible very faint career plans!! IF and that is a big IF I get a full time job, I might do a night course or something (that is, IF I am actually a graduate next year) and do something like Copywriting.. or something...

hmm.. what else? Well, recently I've been feeling more needy than I'd like to be, and this is crap because my neediness often turns into paranoia and then I start behaving stupidly, like locking myself away from the people I want to see/talk to most because I think that this sort of "self-control" or "discipline" will actually make me stronger if I survive it. This is totally stupid and unnecessary. I know. You can tell me again if you like... maybe it will sink in better if other people tell me. I just.. want too much.

Patience. Ok Patience. Something I'm working on.

*back to the slog*

Missy on Chasers!!!

ARGH! stupid Sydney people not recognising her!!!

not fair...

testing

testing one two three

yay!

Things that have happened since I didn't do any of the things that I listed below:

- I went for a super long walk on Cup day and have pulled some muscle in my left leg (Either that or my left leg is just not as fit as my right leg...), now I have to limp.

Goal for December: increase fitness of left leg

By the way: Essays are driving me insane.

kbai

I should...

- not get so attached to songs that I play them on repeat for hours and hours on end day in day out...

- stop singing just cos no one's around to hear how bad/sad it is

- stop stalking people and do some work

- stop daydreaming and do some work

- stop waiting by the phone and do some work

- stop looking up flights to Canberra and do some work

- stop writing pointless blog posts/unsent emails and do some work

- stop

- do some work

...

ps. I should also find out how to write with a line going through my words as if I'd crossed them out... *mental note to ask the queen of hearts*

la la la la la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Impossible

“You are untouchable,” you say to me.
Repeatedly.
You tell me I am cold: Unreachable. Unmovable. Impenetrable.

So when I turn up on your doorstep unannounced like I have tonight as silent as moonlight and you let me into your home, into your heart, into your bed and I pretend sleep while your hands creep under my shirt, your lips on mine hiding words unsaid, what do you call this?

I am, in your words, unresponsive…
and yet, rejected, bewildered, hurt
you want me
still

And in my selfish, depressed and desperate state,
it is an uneasy thrill
to know you don’t find me as repulsive
as I do
I am indulging myself in my own grief as much as I am
indulging you in your unlove-lust
but
as always
my belt is as far as I extend this untried trust.

“Why don’t you believe in love?”
and the word is like a trigger. The off-key to your affection.
I am cruel, almost, in my misery, in my pain,
in my desire to play these word games.
“I just don’t.”
You hate this.
And we both know it is not you I want to be debating with.
“Have you been hurt before?”
You face changes. Inside, you have just closed another door.
“It means nothing. It’s just a word. It’s empty.”
“So why does it annoy you so much?”
This rare and unrelenting silence on your part is new to me. I persist.
“So you’ll never say you love me?”
“What does that matter? You don’t love me...”
“How do you know that?”
“It is not me that you love. That much I’m certain of.”
“There’s no one else in my life right now…”
“She may not be in your life, but she remains constantly, if not completely, in your heart.”
“How do you know it’s a she?”
“It can only be a woman. I know you better than you think I do. Probably better than you know yourself at the moment. I can almost see her in your eyes. I can always hear her when you speak. I know that when you’re here, it’s always because of her.”
“Then why do you still want this?”
“Because. I like you. Simple as that. How much I care about you is not a reflection on how much you care about me. That’s not how it works.”
“… I’m sorry.”
“What for?”
“For not loving you. I wish I could…”
“I don’t care. It doesn’t bother me.”
“But it bothers me. I can’t do this anymore.”
~.~

"You're laughing like you love me..."

Last night I went to bed at a rather low point, highly disappointed in myself for the lack of work I've been doing and even more disappointed in the way I've been managing my emotions..

So I decided to think happy thoughts. I was thinking about how some people bring the best out in me. Or rather, how they bring out the happy me, without even trying. And how, I like the person I am when I am with them. I want to be the person that they see, all the time.

Around 1am last night, I was still lying in bed wide awake thinking, thinking, thinking, and suddenly I hear my phone buzz. I got a text message. But because I sleep on the top bunk, I had to climb all the way out of bed to get my phone. I was hoping, rather unrealistically, that it was from a particular someone, but suspecting that it could also be this random friend of a friend I met the night before who had messaged me the same night at like 3.30am (yes, exactly, wtf?!?!), I was a little hesitant to check. But anyway, I did check, and it was (thankfully) the particular someone I was thinking about and was so desperate to hear from.

I was very :D

It is super nice to know that someone who is on holi-holidays away at a beautiful beach for the weekend with a stack of friends would not only be thinking about me, but would also, despite being surrounded by so many fun and beautiful people, prefer to talk to me. And in the middle of the night.

It's been a long time since I've had a nice long phone chat whilst in bed, talking about everything and nothing at the same time, sometimes not talking, and it being ok, cos we both understand that talking isn't at all about words. And to know that I can make someone laugh. I've missed that..

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning, it being horrible and rainy, but I have a ton of work to do, which I should probably get back to now...

Thanks to my most recent lovelies: Ms Red and The Queen of Hearts. The last five months would have been a super depressing bore if you had not come along and tickled my sense of humour and curiosity. I have enjoyed talking to you both very, very much :)

xx