"If you can't make your mind up, we'll never get started..."
In about a month's time I'm probably going to regret what I've done, or rather, what I haven't done, this whole semester. What a waste of time and money and opportunity. Again. I think there's something wrong with me. At the very last moment, so close and so very possible is a happy ending that I just have to f*ck it all up. Sorry. I'm feeling a bit shite and a bit sorry for myself. Afterall, what's really important? I have a loving family, I have loving friends, I am living in a financially secure and stable home, and I'm healthy...
This has probably been my worse semester yet. Including those horrible three years in architecture. Because at least then I sort of had an excuse. Not only was I an emotional mess but I hated what I was doing. Surely that explained my lack of motivation. But why now? Why again?? I don't get it. I love my course. I love uni. I love learning and I love reading and I love writing essays. Why does everything then feel so.... blah. Why is nothing sinking in... I don't understand it. When I read the stuff I'm suppose to read for my course, nothing stays. I don't get it. This is scary. This is scary for me because reading and understanding, at least enough to write an essay has always been my thing. Cutting and pasting and forming an argument.. It's like, there's a blockage in my brain and nothing new is able to enter... I can barely read a novel.. I've started about five or six and haven't finished any.. I just get.. distracted.
Some irony: I got more work done last night than I have in the past four weeks. And I was on msn chatting (yes, I know, bad, bad Luce!). BUT I haven't had a proper chat with Ms Red for soooooooooo long and the queen of hearts and I were keeping each other motivated/awake... sort of. Semantics is evil. After I finished my essay (yes, I actually finished, I could barely believe it myself - it wasn't any good and it was a few hundred words short of what it should've been but it was finished!), I wanted to throw away everything Semantics related. I resisted the urge.
Anyway, Monday is judgement day. If I don't get everything done by Monday then whatever's not done will not get done. So this weekend I'm being a good girl and staying home in front of the computer and hoping that some productivity will arise. Also keeping my fingers crossed that late essays will actually get marked, even if it is just on a pass-fail basis. What a horror it will be if I have to return next semester... not that I have other plans...
Aside from uni, I've been ok. Really excited about Miss blu's dinner. Of course. And then my Sydney friends coming down for a visit. And Le Petit Prince. Which actually, might be kinda crazy busy and I'll be spending more time there than I had hoped I would... damn.. oh but at least I will be in the company of people with super cute French accents.. :D
Oh! And I have finally quit the Red Cross. Great people, boring work. I got tired of talking like a robot. I got tired of being so familiar with the script that I was saying it in my sleep - yes, I have been questioning my dream people about their health and sexuality. Not cool. Anyway, I'll miss my colleagues. What a great, fun, easygoing bunch. Funny times. So in December I'm going to take a break, until I get tired and bored of being broke, and then I might look for something equally boring but possibly with more hours and more pay... Unless of course, the queen of hearts actually succeeds in her quest to make me a slave to WoW... then I might find myself even less willing to work, despite impending broke-ness and the lack of direction or career plans in the future....
Oh wait, actually, there ARE possible very faint career plans!! IF and that is a big IF I get a full time job, I might do a night course or something (that is, IF I am actually a graduate next year) and do something like Copywriting.. or something...
hmm.. what else? Well, recently I've been feeling more needy than I'd like to be, and this is crap because my neediness often turns into paranoia and then I start behaving stupidly, like locking myself away from the people I want to see/talk to most because I think that this sort of "self-control" or "discipline" will actually make me stronger if I survive it. This is totally stupid and unnecessary. I know. You can tell me again if you like... maybe it will sink in better if other people tell me. I just.. want too much.
Patience. Ok Patience. Something I'm working on.
*back to the slog*
This has probably been my worse semester yet. Including those horrible three years in architecture. Because at least then I sort of had an excuse. Not only was I an emotional mess but I hated what I was doing. Surely that explained my lack of motivation. But why now? Why again?? I don't get it. I love my course. I love uni. I love learning and I love reading and I love writing essays. Why does everything then feel so.... blah. Why is nothing sinking in... I don't understand it. When I read the stuff I'm suppose to read for my course, nothing stays. I don't get it. This is scary. This is scary for me because reading and understanding, at least enough to write an essay has always been my thing. Cutting and pasting and forming an argument.. It's like, there's a blockage in my brain and nothing new is able to enter... I can barely read a novel.. I've started about five or six and haven't finished any.. I just get.. distracted.
Some irony: I got more work done last night than I have in the past four weeks. And I was on msn chatting (yes, I know, bad, bad Luce!). BUT I haven't had a proper chat with Ms Red for soooooooooo long and the queen of hearts and I were keeping each other motivated/awake... sort of. Semantics is evil. After I finished my essay (yes, I actually finished, I could barely believe it myself - it wasn't any good and it was a few hundred words short of what it should've been but it was finished!), I wanted to throw away everything Semantics related. I resisted the urge.
Anyway, Monday is judgement day. If I don't get everything done by Monday then whatever's not done will not get done. So this weekend I'm being a good girl and staying home in front of the computer and hoping that some productivity will arise. Also keeping my fingers crossed that late essays will actually get marked, even if it is just on a pass-fail basis. What a horror it will be if I have to return next semester... not that I have other plans...
Aside from uni, I've been ok. Really excited about Miss blu's dinner. Of course. And then my Sydney friends coming down for a visit. And Le Petit Prince. Which actually, might be kinda crazy busy and I'll be spending more time there than I had hoped I would... damn.. oh but at least I will be in the company of people with super cute French accents.. :D
Oh! And I have finally quit the Red Cross. Great people, boring work. I got tired of talking like a robot. I got tired of being so familiar with the script that I was saying it in my sleep - yes, I have been questioning my dream people about their health and sexuality. Not cool. Anyway, I'll miss my colleagues. What a great, fun, easygoing bunch. Funny times. So in December I'm going to take a break, until I get tired and bored of being broke, and then I might look for something equally boring but possibly with more hours and more pay... Unless of course, the queen of hearts actually succeeds in her quest to make me a slave to WoW... then I might find myself even less willing to work, despite impending broke-ness and the lack of direction or career plans in the future....
Oh wait, actually, there ARE possible very faint career plans!! IF and that is a big IF I get a full time job, I might do a night course or something (that is, IF I am actually a graduate next year) and do something like Copywriting.. or something...
hmm.. what else? Well, recently I've been feeling more needy than I'd like to be, and this is crap because my neediness often turns into paranoia and then I start behaving stupidly, like locking myself away from the people I want to see/talk to most because I think that this sort of "self-control" or "discipline" will actually make me stronger if I survive it. This is totally stupid and unnecessary. I know. You can tell me again if you like... maybe it will sink in better if other people tell me. I just.. want too much.
Patience. Ok Patience. Something I'm working on.
*back to the slog*
posted by la la luce | 10:41 PM
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