life is full of embarrassing moments

i'm remembering an email miss blu sent me a couple of years ago
that was embarrassing
but not as embarrassing as this
dammit dammit dammit

i think i'll go hide under a rock now

i'll emerge when someone can show me a way to turn back time...

xx

self-control

i need to be a hermit for a little while
and do some work

The point of reading

Ace of Spades, Queen of Spades, Ace of Diamonds, Nine of Spades, Seven of Spades, Queen of Diamonds

I can't remember who is who :P
Miss blu don't laugh!

So.. hmm.. I was talking to Ravi a couple of weeks ago and finally decided that it would be a good idea to start writing again. To get in touch with my feelings. Or something... here and anywhere. And seeing as my room has become such a depressing and disconnecting space for me, rendering the probability of writing with pen and paper almost impossible (hence worth all my efforts), it will probably be more often than not here.

I thought I didn't get much sleep last night, because I kept looking at the clock and it just kept on marching forward and suddenly it was 7am and I felt like shit and I still wasn't comfortable yet, but a few hours ago I remembered a dream I had, so it must mean that somewhere in those darkness hours I did fall away for a bit..

I dreamt I was really down about something (that I don't remember)
but I was with friends,
and we were at a bar or something
and we had a whole table of drinks spread out neatly in front of us
and I drank everything
like I had a time limit
I think I did
something like wanting to go, wanting to go, wanting to go
and thinking
I won't get drunk I won't get drunk I won't get drunk
I just need to finish these last few
and I did
finish the drinks, I mean
and someone beside me
a friend
exclaimed about how he'd never seen someone drink so many drinks so quickly and was I feeling alright
and I thought
shit
Now I'm going to feel crap and I hope I don't throw up
and then I woke up
before I got drunk
or had the hangover

now if there's ever a way to take it out on a drink, that would possibly be the best way
all the fun and none of the consequences

:P

I have assignments and essays I should be writing. Or at least posters I should be sticking up..

dad logic

some days are better than others...

procrastination

I should be packing. Or trying on clothes. Or something else. Instead here I am wasting countless precious seconds.. tip tip tapping away. I just watched Bionic Woman. The big sis is on holi-holidays so I had control over the remote for once and I didn't have to go to work tonight (yay!). It was somewhat enjoyable, from an aesthetic point of view, but mostly disappointing. Can't anyone write a decent script for sci-fi??

I also think I must have eaten something I'm allergic to because I seem to be breaking out in a rash all over for some reason... great.

I felt very lost and disoriented today while I was in the city (emotionally, and mentally, not physically). So I went to a bookshop to calm my nerves. I came out with $60 worth of books. I almost came out with more except I put back a few when I realised that tomorrow I am going to Sydney and I still haven't paid my sister back yet for the flights. Then I got on a tram to go to uni, and I think I kind of slipped into la la land for a bit, I was looking at the words on the door and the letters started to jump around, so much so that I couldn't read what it said... I found it more amusing than alarming at the time...

Now I feel flat again. I am sure to forget to pack something.

The big sis is on a romantic weekend away to the Grampians with her other half.

I want to go on a romantic weekend away with my other half (wherever/whoever they may be)!

I repeat, I need a HUG!

xx

strange glue

"it was strange glue that held us together
while we both came apart at the seams
she said: your place or mine?
while we've still got the time
so i played along with her schemes

but i don't have the right to be with you tonight
so please leave me alone
with no saviour in sight
i will sleep safe and sound
with no body around me

when faced with my demons
i clothe them and feed them
and i smile
yes, i smile
as they're taking me over

and if i cannot sleep for the secrets i keep
it's a price i'm willing to meet..."

- strange glue, Catatonia

Sydney, here I come (unenthusiastic "yay"..)

Why is it that every time before a trip, I suddenly realise that I don't want to go anymore?

Ok, so maybe I'm being a little (a lot) stupid and I know this is not a great six month scary adventure away from all that I love and know and cherish, but instead is a two day weekend to a friend's wedding... buuuut.... I still don't want to go :S I admit, I'm looking forward to getting out of Melbourne for the first time since coming home, and I look forward to my two nights off work, and I look forward to seeing the most lovely pb and our friend the wedding man, and I look forward to hopefully some yummy food, and I look forward to meeting my newest Sydney lovely Miss Confusionist and I look forward to a night of clubbing (something I don't usually enjoy but have had the occasional habit of indulging in) and I look forward to the possibility of meeting some new lovelies on our night out, and I look forward to just not thinking about uni because I don't and can't do anything about it while I'm over there anyway.... (ok, so there's a lot to look forward to)

BUT (!!!!)

I don't look forward to getting dressed up (formal really doesn't suit me) and I don't look forward to the stress of packing and I don't look forward to my inevitable stress when returning and mostly I don't look forward to being without internet access for three WHOLE days :S Ok, I can obviously find an internet cafe if I must, but something has happened to me over the mid-sem break. I think I have cultivated an unhealthy (although very uplifting and entertaining [but also paranoia-inducing and self-esteem- diminishing]) addiction to the net.

Here's what's happening:

I think I am falling. Falling into a deep, unredeeming, and infinitely inescapable hole. Sometimes the hole is bright, sometimes it is dark, mostly it is just murky and unreadable. And we all know how much readability matters!

This fall was totally unexpected. Ok, so it looked kind of interesting and I admit a certain attraction to the unknowable adventure that it disguised, and I admit too that I had not anticipated the depth and suction power of this hole. And now I'm stuck. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

See, I wouldn't mind so much if I had been completely consumed, because then I wouldn't know the possibility of escape. The problem is: I DO know the possibility of escape and I DO know the possibility of drowning too, and I kind of want to sink into it, because I know that in my heart of hearts this is what I want, that is, if it IS what I think it is, and it IS what I want it to be, and then I would have no problem with drowning, death isn't half as scary as Love, which is possibly the more important problem, but whatever, no one understands anyway, but my problem is I'm too bloody scared to even test it, to possibly drown in the hope of it...

The ability to be incomprehensible is both a gift and a curse and I feel sorry for those that have been sucked into conforming and making sense and only having the time to understand that which is understandable, because anyone can make sense, it's just not as fun :P

I don't pretend that this is any type of good writing. What it is, is it's writing. Pure and simple. And if I can still write, then all is good. As long as my fingers continue to tip tip tap and scritch and scratch then I know I'll be ok, cos this is how it is. This is all reality in a nutshell, it is writing, it is discourse and it's not at all real. Sorry folks, the truth is out: there is none.

I need a hug..

paranoia part 2

i hate this feeling

Only the impossible?

To talk about Love, my current philosophy is:

"Only the impossible is worth the effort." - The Powerbook, Jeanette Winterson.

So she asked: "What is impossible?" or perhaps it was "Why is it impossible?"

Today I read: "the discourse which makes people believe is the one that takes away what it urges them to believe in, or never deliver what it promises..." - Walking in the City, Michel de Certeau

That could be quite depressing....

Bugger. Where are my promised words? I thought I said not again...