when I'm bad I'm evil?

drinking is bad

I have NEVER felt so disgusting in my life.

I want to chop off my head. And rip out my stomach. I want the frekkin room to stop spinning.

For those of you who thought I was drunk at my birthday, well, apparently not.

Never again. Never ever ever evere vere evere evere ever evere efever

whatever

this is depressing...

not only did I just spend half an hour doing nothing, this is what this computer la la land is telling me:

You Are Changing Leaves

Pretty, but soon dead.

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

actually, I'm feeling rather happy and hopeful about things to come :)

I want to fall in love!

words, music, love, art and all that pretty stuff...

Those of you who know me well will know that I am indeed someone who has a lot to say.

I will not dispute the fact that I am generally a very quiet person.

I also will not deny that I can be so stubbornly silent that I sometimes appear quite aloof, cold and even snobby...

But without any further digression, I shall promptly proceed to the point of this post.

I've always known that words mattered, but now I've learnt that words really do matter!
well, duh!

This is why I write a lot more on this blog than I publish. This is why I don't say a lot of what I think. This is why I love the songs and musicians that I do.

This is why this is so important to me:

This world of language. Communication. This world of words and music and art and translation. This world of how do I tell you exactly what I want to tell you and how do I make sure that you hear what I want to say and not just what you want to hear? This world of how do I know I am listening to what you really mean instead of just what you feel safe saying?

This is not about free speech. This is about a connection.

I went shopping with my sister last week for a leather case for my new phone which I know my clumsy self will no doubt damage really soon since I still don't have said case.

The girl at one shop pulled out a black leather thing that had bad stitching and didn't quite fit the phone properly. I accidently said out loud what I was thinking:

"It's just not very pretty..."
To which girl at shop responded immediately, "oh but we have a pink one!"

I didn't know whether laughing would be rude so I just shook my head and walked away with sister in tow.

Somewhere along the line, probably around the time when I met the quink and my moonlight girl, the words 'pretty' and 'beautiful' changed their meanings for me... They no longer exclusively referred to things in appearance, and they had no association with things like pink and being a girl. Words can be pretty. Words like 'nigh' and 'sigh' and 'play' are pretty words. I can feel pretty, without feeling like I look attractive. I could have had a really pretty day even if the weather had been miserable and ugly.

and and and!!! so much more that I don't know how to say...

I have met some really beautiful boys recently...

So... what does that all have to do with anything?

Well, some people get it. And some people actually get me. I'm really grateful for that because I don't know how I would survive if I really had to explain myself...

This is meant to be my love letter to language and words and music and art and all their beautiful mysteries that have kept me awake through the most tiring of times :)

and of course to all you wonderful lovelies who get me and love me and made me feel beautiful at my birthday bash on Saturday night!

love love

xx

"Black tattoos of you onto me..."*

The lazy Sun has gone on holiday and doesn't appear to want to come back til Wednesday... so they say... apparently not being able to dry laundry is not a huge concern of Mother Nature's...

This is happiness:
I'm cold. I'm home. I'm hungry for a conversation.
I saw you not more than seven hours ago last night.
Watch. Wallet. Keys. Phone.
Ready to go, ready to go.
Jump on the bike.
Cutting cold at 30kmph.
15 minutes and I'm at your door.
Just as you're picking up the paper.
Psychic timing?
"Can we go for a ride?"
"Where to?"
"Somewhere warm."
"You want to ride to somewhere warm?"
"Yes."
"You realise that's anywhere..?"
"Anywhere but here."
"What's wrong with here?"
"It's cold."
"Circles, darling. You're not making sense."
"Neither are you."
"And yet you understand."
"I'm a master of mystery. I understand everything and I know practically nothing."
"Plurality of Irigaray?"
"Something like that... the warped version. My version."
"So what are we waiting for?"
"You. Godot. Anything."
"Stop playing. Be serious for a second."
"I am serious. I'm cold. I can't stop."
"So shall I kindly stop for you, then?"
"Only if Immortality is waiting in your backyard..."
"Here's a jumper. Put it on and jump in the car. I'll take you to the roaring beaches..."

:)


*Laura Veirs, "Magnetized"

lost and found

Spoke too soon...

So it's raining again and I'm hiding in a bar all alone...
friendless and faceless...
the raindrops fall -splat- so fat on the window beside me...

I hear it better than the music.

I try hard to stare outside focussing on my inability to focus through the water
and toss out all the fullness in my brain that is making it so hard to embrace the emptyness
that I've been told I should try to understand.

music mocks me

The songs stop for an instant and so does the rain and I literally fall off my too-tall-for-me stool
when an unknown hand slaps me on the back.

"Heyyyyyyyy! What're you doing here? Sorry did I scare you?" followed by giggles and an apologetic kiss on the cheek all before I've worked out who has just helped me find my centre of empty-ness.

"Oh.. heyyy..." Sigh. I really like this one too... so much so, I blush and try to jump back onto my stool seemingly casually as if falling off stools is an everyday thing for me... and slip off again.. yeah... super great impression.

Try blushing purple and then go up a shade.

As usual the perpetrator of my embarrassment seems to be amused by my awkwardness and sits down right beside me. Now that I'm not trying my mind goes blank quite successfully.

Until I spot you.

Of course, because I am staring and ignoring all other signs of danger like a startled animal trapped in headlights, my friend turns and spots you too.

To my horror, both of you light up in recognition and proceed towards each other for a friendly embrace.

Your attention is a hundred percent not on me, until you are seated directly opposite me and introductions are made. I am still too frozen to move.

But I see the same horror in your eyes when they reach mine.

All we can both think about is how to run. Away.

Our mutual friend has picked up the tension.

"Do you know each other?"

Well?

Unfortunately, this is how we will meet again, and this is how it will never happen.

Winterson style...

I'm going to Lyon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

enough said...

someone once said:

happiness writes white...

Thank you Henri de Montherlant for inspiring someone who inspired someone else who inspired the quink who inspired me...

I don't believe you but...

Where to now?

I am soooooooooooo in denial that I just did a whole heap of blogthings to distract myself and found that I can pass eighth grade maths BUT I only got 9/10?!?!?!?! How can that be??? What could I have possibly got wrong??! Oh how my high school maths teachers would be disappointed... what's happened to my algebra skills??? methinks I need to spend some time thinking about bicycle gears to get my mind working again...

I shall quote from http://www.kenkifer.com/bikepages/touring/gears.htm :

" If you want even the nerds to consider you a nerd, try getting enthusiastic about bicycle gearing."

I want even the nerds to consider me a nerd!!!

So how arrogant am I that I expect to get every single answer correct on a maths test just because it's said to be at year eight level?

I did a runner today... oh the shame.. I don't even know why I ran. I just could not face you. It's all very fucked up and wrong isn't it? All this you should be here, but you're not, but you are, and then the wanting, the wanting to run, the wanting to yell at you - go away! leave me alone!, the wanting to cry, the wanting to have you.... again...

stupid beautiful songs ripping out my heart.. and what if you do love me? sharp bits and all? would you ever be able to find me where I'm hiding?

So maybe I should listen to this:

Your Hair Should Be Purple

Intense, thoughtful, and unconventional. You're always philosophizing and inspiring others with your insights.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

And this is just too freaky to leave unsaid...

You Belong in Paris

You enjoy all that life has to offer, and you can appreciate the fine tastes and sites of Paris. You're the perfect person to wander the streets of Paris aimlessly, enjoying architecture and a crepe.

What European City Do You Belong In?

See folks?

What kind of cookie are you?

My friend pb and I have just spent about two hours on the phone and the results of our efforts are such:

pb is an oatmeal raison cookie!

You Are an Oatmeal Raisin Cookie

On the surface, you're a little plain - but you have many subtle dimensions to your personality. Sometimes you're down to earth and crunchy. Other times, you're sweet and a little gooey.

What Kind of Cookie Are You?

it says a lot about what we talk about...
but anyway, here's mine:

You Are a Black and White Cookie

You're often conflicted in life, and you feel pulled in two opposite directions. When you're good, you're sweet as sugar. And when you're bad, you're wicked!

What Kind of Cookie Are You?

It's the end of an era!

So much happens in one week and yet there is so little to talk about. I'm very tired. I'm being very lazy. I'm being very immature and I'm being very stupid... as usual..

Tunnels are evil.
Inescapable.
And still I manage to slip through...
Unnoticed?
Hardly.
I.. don't... know... what... I... want...
Why is there always someone else?
Tell you what:
After this weekend,
I'll be good.
Totally focussed on what's important.
I will be as good as I can be.
I will do the best that I can do.
I will work hard and I will be happy
for me
for you
for what I have.
No.
Even better.
I will start right now.
I will stop wasting time.

Seeya!