shame

do you ever feel really crap about something you've done? or rather, hadn't done?

how disappointing it is, to tell yourself that you are one type of person - honest - and to realise that it's all a load of crap, when it really comes down to the crunch, you can't be honest to save yourself, cos you're too scared, too scared of what people think, too scared of what you'll have to explain, too scared that maybe your own certainty isn't enough, too scared and too insecure and too bloody cowardly to just open your mouth and speak the words you so loudly claim to be truth and your beliefs when you're hiding behind a screen, hiding amongst those that you know won't criticise, hiding behind that fear that you might not be as sure as you always say you are...

I'm really sorry. I always say that my friends mean the world to me, and I always talk about how much I appreciate your honesty, and I always say that I would not deliberately hide things from you - and yet: today I proved what a shit friend I am.

If I could turn back time, I would go back to that moment on the bridge and I would be completely honest with you and say all those witty and clever things that came to me after, and I would try as hard as I can to make it the least uncomfortable a situation that it could have been, and I would trust that you would laugh with me and trust that you would still love me and still be honest with me and I would trust you to forgive me for being such a shitty friend all these years....

I'm sorry :(